Freelees Banner Exchange 15000 FreeCredits

Joke Page - Just for Fun!

The World According to Student Bloopers

Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sahara Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people

advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interestin the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery.

Henry VIII found Walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote".

The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

St. Peter's Mistake

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks His dossier and says, "Oh, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and gets let in. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, so he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and escalators and flush toilets, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the phone and says with a sneer, "So how's things in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "WHAT??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should've never been sent down there; send him back immediately."

Satan says, "No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.

God says, "Send him back up here right away, or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah? And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Elephant Jokes

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mole?

A. I don't know, but it digs one hell of a hole in your backyard.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a hooker?

A. A Six-Ton pickup.

Q. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

A. Wipe it off.

Q. How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen?

A. Four. Two in the front and two in the back.

Q. How can you tell when there are eight elephants shopping at a convenience store?

A. There'll be two Volkswagens parked out front.

Q. What does an elephant use as a tampon?

A. A sheep.

Q. Where is an elephant's sex organ?

A. In its foot. If it steps on you, you're screwed.

Q. What is grey, airborne, and very dangerous?

A. A flying elephant with a machine-gun.

Q. Why are elephants' eyes red?

A. So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q. How do you catch an elephant?

A. Dig a big hole, fill it with ashs, line it with peanuts, and when the elephant bends down to pick up a peanut run up and kick it in the ash-hole.

Q. What do you do when 200 elephants are coming at you from over a hill?

A. Swim.

Q. What's the black stuff between an elephant's toes?

A. Slow natives.

Q. What do elephants and ice cream have in common?

A. They both come in quarts.

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A. A girl that will do you for peanuts and never forget you.

Q. How can you tell if elephants have been mating in your backyard?

A. All your trashcan liners are missing.

Q. What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

A. Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. How do you BREATHE through that thing?!

Or

A. Yeah, but let's see you pick up a peanut with it.

Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a rhino?

A. Eleph-ino (Hell-if-I-know)

Why Dogs are Better Companions than Women

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you have lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

Dogs don't worry about germs.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ve ever had.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot rubs.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

Too Far In

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"

She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your private place with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

The Cheapskate

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied: "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

Who Wrote the Book?

"Easy Money" .....................Robin Banks

"Home Late" ......................Miss D. Buss

"Making Honey" ...................B. Keeper

"The Haunted House" ..............Hugo First

"Light Purple Hair" ..............Audrey Mauve Jeannie

"No Contact" .....................Len Schloss

"Caught in a Cyclone" ............Mel Strom

"Get to the Point" ...............Ron D. Bout

"American Freedom" ...............Dick LaRache and Ophine D. Pendants

"Hannibal Lecter" ................Cy "Len" Salaams

"I'm here for you" ...............Li Nan Mi

"Lose Weight the Easy Way" .......Anna Rickshaw

"Secrets of Houdini" .............Madge E. Kwan

"What's Wrong with Me?" ..........Eiffel Strange

"Impulse Buying" .................Carrie Moore Cash

"The Friendly Bartender" .........Juan A. Beere

"Missouri" .......................Shaw Meese Tate

"Sleeping Incontinence" ..........I. P. Nitely

"Using your Memory to the Full" ..Bill Gates

The Golf Crisis

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Cowboy Joke

Two Cowboys are sitting in a Saloon when a woman starts choking. The Cowboys look at each other and both get up. The first pulls down his pants and bends over, the second one drops to his knees and starts licking the first cowboys butt. In total disgust, the woman gags and her throat is cleared. The Cowboys get up to check on her, the first says to the second, "see hear Billy-Bob , I told you that there hindlick maneuver would work."

A selection of quotes from "I miss Dan Quayle".

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I had was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

The Parrot

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Things NOT to say during sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today

(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

Got any penicillin?

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people..

You're almost as good as my ex!

You look younger than you feel.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

Did you come yet, dear?

I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

When would you like to meet my parents?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Shipwrecked

An engineer took a cruise to the Caribbean. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a hurricane came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

He explored but found nothing other than some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman: She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave

her an ethereal quality.

When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

"There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from an eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach. "Let's row over to my place," she said.

So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow.

"It's not much," she said, " but I call it home. Would you like a drink?"

No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke."

"I have a still," said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch. After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life."

"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs.

"You look great!," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me --Do you have an Internet connection?"

Joining Church

Three couples wanted to join a local church; an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a newlywed couple. They all went down front and made their intentions known to the minister. The minister told them that their church had a policy that you had to remain celibate

for a month before you were allowed to join. They should go home and then return in a month to let him know how it went.

One month later they returned and the minister started with the elderly couple and asked how it went. The gentleman replied: "Well, I didn't have any trouble at all until last night, but we made

it! No sex for a month!"

The minister said, "Well then, we're happy to have you as members of our church!"

He then turned to the middle-aged couple and the gentleman replied: "Well, the first three weeks were no problem. However, the fourth week was rough and for the last two nights I had to sleep in the other room not to have sex with my wife but we made it! No sex for a

month!"

To which the minister replied, "Well then, we're happy to have you as members of our church!"

He then turned to the newlywed couple and asked how it went. The young man replied:

"Well, the first three days were no problem. However, on the fourth day it was all I could do not to have sex! Then, on the fifth day, as my wife was bent over the freezer I couldn't control myself any more and I took her! Right there on the freezer!"

The minister said, "Well, I'm sorry but you are not welcome as members of our church."

The young man replied, "That's okay, we're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either!"

Anniversary Joke

An old man and his wife were sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch on their

50th wedding anniversary. The wife gets up and slaps the old man so hard he almost

falls out of his chair.

A few more minutes passed and eventually the old man gets up and slaps his wife so hard she falls out of her chair.

Billy's Letters

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that

specialized in Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too.

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these

letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.__________